Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The Kenneth Anger Angry Drunk Drinking Game

The idea behind this game is simple: get as belligerently drunk as possible. Here are the rules:

1. Watch any of Kenneth Anger's films.
2. Drink every time an image draped in homoeroticism appears on the screen.
3. Drink double for every inch of penis that you see.
4. Get angry and break things.
5. Yell at strangers and tell them how wrong they are about everything.
6. Vomit.
6. Angrily call Gonzalo and make him cry.
6. Eat a bag of fried.
7. Call Gonzalo back and apologize. Tell him you didn't mean it.
8. Break some more things and then strike an inanimate object that you mistake for a real live person.
9. Explain to the cops that you were doing a school project. Call them pigs too.
10. Call Peg to bail you out of jail.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The Believers Drinking Game

This drinking game is by far the best because it will get you the most drunk.

Basically the game goes like this:

Take a shot every time Martin Sheen is too talented to be in this movie.

Now I understand that this game may kill some of you, as taking shots every five seconds over the course of a two hour movie may be dangerous, but it can be modified to fit the drinking habits of a particular person:

Do you see Martin's lip quiver ever so subtly when enraged? Take a drink.

Do you see Martin's eyes wistfully looking off in the distance, searching the ether for his dead wife? Take a drink.

Does Martin make you feel the love he has for his son despite the fact that the boy has the acting talent of a gutted fish? Take a drink.

When Martin's new girlfriend writhes in terrified agony at the spiders hatching from her cheek, do you long Martin's soothing, dominant presence? Take a drink.

Basically, this game comes down to this: You should drink at times when Martin Sheen isn't on screen, you'll just enjoy the movie more.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Lynchings in Congo as penis theft panic hits capital

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur.

Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.

Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure.

"You just have to be accused of that, and people come after you. We've had a number of attempted lynchings. ... You see them covered in marks after being beaten," Kinshasa's police chief, Jean-Dieudonne Oleko, told Reuters on Tuesday.

Police arrested the accused sorcerers and their victims in an effort to avoid the sort of bloodshed seen in Ghana a decade ago, when 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs. The 27 men have since been released.

"I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke," Oleko said.

"But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it'," he said.

Some Kinshasa residents accuse a separatist sect from nearby Bas-Congo province of being behind the witchcraft in revenge for a recent government crackdown on its members.

"It's real. Just yesterday here, there was a man who was a victim. We saw. What was left was tiny," said 29-year-old Alain Kalala, who sells phone credits near a Kinshasa police station.

Oh, my.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Wicca, me, and Super-Mega-Death-Christ 2000: My past and present

(posted by Peg for Stephen Cramer)

Hopping on the "How teenage witchcraft changed my life" bandwagon, I began dating a girl freshman year of high-school who was a self proclaimed wiccan, who began her dabbling after seeing "The Craft" in theaters. She, like the characters in the film, turned to wicca as an escape from her teenage troubles. Now, seeing that her mother was a completely unhinged self proclaimed Druid, my ex was of the more earthy crunchy variety of witch, with a large portion of Marion Zimmer Bradley thrown in (she believed wholeheartedly in the Rule of Three). This being said, it did not make her below stooping to the levels of the girls in The Craft. After being together for a year she reveals to me that she cast a kind of "love spell" to bring us together... now it was more a 'influence energies already present' as opposed to a Skeet Ulrich kind of spell, but still it weirded me out a little. By the end of high school she began to veer away from the ritualistic practice and began thinking of it as more of a philosophy... but she was still prone to pray to the goddess every once in a while. Unfortunately, she also turned out to be to be more like her mother than either of us had hoped and caught a case of the "Nancys" and after a messy year or so we broke up. But her spiritual beliefs still influence me today. Now, I have no idea as to where we come from, are going, or what we should be doing in the mean time spiritually speaking, but I find myself leaning more towards believing in an elemental interconnectedness-of-all-things that is a cornerstone of she believed in.

And now for something completely different...

For those of you who don't know, the "Angry Video Game Nerd" is, according to Wikipedia (oh, that's right) is, "the titular character and name of a series of Internet video farcical retrogaming video game reviews by James D. Rolfe. Here's his review of Mario 3, and the 1989 film "The Wizard" the end, he proves that Mario 3 and Nintendo is the devil and an 'entertaining' parody of "The Exorcist" ensues... enjoy... oh, he swears alot

Friday, April 25, 2008

The Ninth Gate Drinking Game

Here is the Ninth Gate drinking game. This game has been designed to get you so drunk that if you were disappointed by the ending (as I know some of you were) that you wont be conscious to see it; or if you were disappointed by the weird CGI during the "sex at langella's death castle" scene (like I was) that you again, won't be conscious to see it.
You will need beer and a liquor of your choice.

Here goes kiddies;


Johnny Depp lights a cigarette
The Baroness smacks into a wall after she's dead
(you might need to watch this in slow motion to get an accurate count)
You see the initials LCF


Someone mentions their impression of someone else's library (good or bad)
Johnny Depp leaves his bag somewhere and the devil chick gives it to him
You see Sisqo Jr. standing somewhere menacingly


You see the devil chick's socks (for more than a split second)
Frank Langella sounds like Christopher Lee on the phone
Johnny Depp opens a fridge

NOTE: if anyone actually tries this and gets sick or hospitalized i'll totally have to change my name and move to canada- so drink responsibly. that being said, i'll probably try this.

I survived Satan Worshipping and all I got was this lousy life-altering injury

1996- The Craft was released; I was a latchkey kid with access to HBO and two parents who worked. Despite my catholic upbringing and my parents' insistence that I be a good, upstanding member of society I was claimed by Satan. That's right, it happened as easily as if I'd been claimed by a kidnapper, pedophile or abortionist. My friends and I began to spend our afternoons in the backyard fiddling with the supernatural.
We dyed our confirmation dresses black and pierced all the loose skin we could find. The fact is, we didn't understand what we were messing with. We were blinded by the glamorous portrayal of witchcraft in the movie, the outward beauty of the actresses and their ability to control the people who scorned them. It's a long story but four people ended up dead and my friend Sally is in a mental institution. She still sends me pentagrams and piercings for my birthday. (the gross part is that they're her piercings...and they're not being removed by a doctor if you get my drift.)We had to learn the hard way that magic, like anything else, has to be practiced in moderation.
Heed this lesson well, Peg Aloi's Cinema and the Occult class, for I have shed blood to learn it's significance.

A/N The truth is that there is a force in the Universe and it needs to be treated with respect. Those chicks in the movie are stupid in the way that all teenagers are stupid. They are ruled by their emotions and they lack perspective. My grandmother is an astrologer and a numerologist and I grew up (after the catholic thing-which is true) with an understanding of the forces in the universe and our place within them. (I'm not saying I'm an authority- I'm just saying I'm not gonna hex my bully's hair off her head.) My brother and I both believe ourselves to be healers and I've done experiments with honing energy but I understand that energy is only to be used for good intentions and that if you use it negatively it's only gonna slap you in the face later, I don't necessarily stick to any code or believe in the three times back to you thing but I believe that what goes around comes around.
...and now that my crazy has spilled out a bit, I'll say see you in class.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

The Devil Drinks Out

A drinking game for The Devil Rides Out

1 Drink when:

Tanith or Simon become possessed

The niece is possessed and/or being mind controlled

2 Drinks when:

Rex does something stupid

The Duc reluctantly does something to save everyone

Mocata stares intensely into someone’s eyes

The Duc yells at someone for not knowing everything about the occult

The Duc says something about putting “our/my/your/his/her soul in peril”

Finish the bottle:

When time is reversed and everyone is saved in a very deo ex machina kinda way, and you realize no one’s soul was every really in peril to begin with.